Hello Again | Our Story, Part VII

• Part 1- First Impressions
• Part 2- Second Chances
• Part 3- Love At Third Sight
• Part 4- Four Sweet Months
• Part 5- Just A $5 Dessert
• Part 6- New Beginnings

Like a river surely flows to the sea,

Darling so it goes, some things were meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life, too

Cause I can't help falling in love with you.

_____________________________________

          March 18th came quickly. I flew into Charlotte in the late afternoon, and Ashlee picked me up. It was so good to see her! We hadn’t spent a good chunk of time together since the wedding. That evening we went shopping, made cookies (which I couldn’t stomach), and laughed through Confessions of a Shopaholic. 

            I was SO nervous!! That whole night, I barely ate a thing. Ashlee laughed at me. I laughed at myself. I tried to tell myself it would be ok. But it felt like there where a million butterflies flapping around in my stomach, and they wouldn’t stop. I felt sick.

           I tried to sleep that night, but sleep evaded me. Not only was I nervous, I was scared. It scared me to death to think of the outcomes of that weekend. So many questions were swirling around in my head. What if our visit confirmed my feelings for him- that he was the man that I wanted to have pursue me in a relationship - and he didn’t return those feelings? How could we ever go back? How awkward would it be if nothing came of this? Would we just stop talking altogether or would our conversations just fade off into nothingness?

           None of that scared me as much as the thought that lingered with me as I went to bed that night. What scared me more than anything else was that I would hurt him. He was one of my best friends. What if I left feeling like our friendship wasn’t meant to be anything more than friendship, but he had other ideas and tried to pursue me? I loved him as a brother in Christ, and I didn’t want to be the cause of pain or hurt feelings to him. 

           Morning finally came and the butterflies got worse. I got up that morning and got in the shower. As the water ran down my face and over my skin, thoughts flooded my mind. “What have we done? Maybe this was all a mistake.” I stood there, paralyzed with fear of the unknown. And then I remembered. “God is in control. No matter what happens, it will all be ok. It’s all in His good plan.” I felt more relaxed with that knowledge, but the nervousness didn’t disappear. 

            I donned a peach colored shirt and a colorful striped skirt. I did my hair and makeup. I didn’t eat breakfast. I waited. As it came close to the time he was supposed to come, Ashlee and I walked out the their back patio and then around to the front of the apartment. It was a beautiful day, warm but breezy. I stood on the front steps and looked down the street, butterflies threatening to turn to nausea again. And then I saw his black car making it’s way towards us. He parked and began to walk up the sidewalk. My heart was beating so loudly that I was sure he could hear it as I moved towards him, my knees threatening to buckle underneath me. 

           “Hey there! It’s great to see you!” He said as he hugged me. I don’t remember how I replied, it was really all a blur. The three of us jumped in the car and headed to the airport to pick up Daniel, Ashlee’s husband.The conversation was a bit stifled at first, but it didn’t take long for Josh and I to settle in and really move to very natural conversations. I began to take him in. He was wearing a blue striped polo, khaki shorts, and tennis shoes. His hair was brown, wavy, and longer than it had been at the wedding. His voice was soothing with a slight southern accent. He smiled a lot. 

           After retrieving Daniel, we headed back to the Wells' apartment and played Cranium (Ashlee and I won!!!) before going out to get lunch at Chili’s. I enjoyed listening to Josh and Daniel banter back and forth at our table. The butterflies were still there, though, and I barely ate any lunch, but I drank at least 1/2 a dozen glasses of water! After lunch was over we walked down by the lake and went to the pet store. 

          After a game of Scrabble at the Wells’ we headed back out to the movie theater for an afternoon showing of the The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Josh and I sat next to each other and I enjoyed whispering with him about the movie. We shared an arm rest and I remember being nervous that my arm was touching his (seems silly now!). But as strange as it felt to feel the skin of his arm against mine, I really found myself wanting to hold his hand. Of course, I didn’t have the guts to reach for it or even really think it was a good idea, but I sure wanted to!

          After the movie was pizza and more Scrabble back at the apartment. After Ashlee and I finished cleaning up in the kitchen, she disappeared upstairs and I went into the living room to see what the guys were up to. I sat down on the couch next to Josh as Daniel exited the room. Josh gave me a look that made my heart start pounding again. 

          “Ashley, it’s SO good to see you again.”

          “It’s good to see you, too.” I said lamely. I tried again. “I’m so glad it worked out for you to come. I’m having a lot of fun!”

         “Me too!”

          "This is not the same man I had been talking to since last June," I decided as I drifted off to sleep that night. "He's much more wonderful." 

          I slept well that night, most of my fears had gone to sleep when my head hit the pillow. It had been such a wonderful day. The next morning we all went to church together and then headed to Greenville to spend the afternoon there. After lunch at Cracker Barrel, we arrived downtown and ran into Starbucks so that Ashlee could use the restroom. As she and Daniel walked towards the back of the coffee shop, Josh and I stayed by the front door to wait for them. Out of the blue, Josh reached out and touched my arm. It was a sweet gesture, and while I didn’t know why he’d done it, I knew that I was glad he did. It was almost as if he’d done it without thinking. And as quickly as his hand had reached out and brushed my arm, he’d pulled it back, and his face was turning pink. Ashlee and Daniel were making their way towards us and we headed back outside. I wasn’t sure what to think of that touch- and while the thought of it made my heart pound, I tried to convince myself that it was nothing so as not to get my hopes up. 

           I took some pictures of Daniel and Ashlee in the downtown area that afternoon. We had a lot of fun, but I noticed that Joshua got very quiet. I was worried- was he upset with me about something? I didn’t know what to say, but I asked him if he was ok. He replied that yes, he was, and we went on with our day. But I just knew that something wasn’t right. 

           We enjoyed the rest of our day together, but I dreaded having to leave. My grandparents came to pick me up that evening so that I could spend a weekend with them. I said goodbye to Ashlee and Daniel and then it was Josh’s turn. I don’t remember  saying anything to him, but I hugged him and tried to force myself to stay calm, even though my insides were shouting that it was all wrong. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go!  He squeezed me tight and said goodbye. I’ll never forget climbing into my grandparents’ car and watching him walk away - head down, shoulders drooping.

            On the drive home, my grandparents and cousin who was with them kept asking me questions about my weekend and making other types of conversation. I answered their questions as best I could and tried to keep up with them. But my stomach hurt and I felt feverish. I just wanted to curl up in a warm bed and cry myself to sleep. Would I ever see Joshua Grimm again?

______________________________

            I woke up on Saturday, March 19 and my heart was racing. This was not an ordinary Saturday. This was the Saturday when – after 9 months and 2 weeks – I would finally see Ashley Kate McMichael again.

          On Friday night, I hung out with a couple of friends in Lumberton. I needed to be around people, because I was excitedly nervous about the day ahead. I was interested in Ashley and ready to put our friendship and my developing feelings for her to the “in person test.” But what if it was awkward for us to talk in person? What if I liked her but she rejected me? Or what if she liked me but I didn’t reciprocate – I didn’t want to hurt her. I tried to not wear out my friends’ ears as I talked myself into focusing on praying about the day and getting to know Ashley better. Easier said than done . . .

           That sunny Saturday was a perfect day for my almost 2 1/2 hour drive to Charlotte. I blasted an upbeat worship CD as I tried to drown out my emotions in the music. The drive went by quickly. Ashlee and Ashley were to pick up Daniel from the airport that morning, and when I called Ashlee to let her know I was getting close to Charlotte, I was surprised and not a little afraid to find out that I would be to their apartment in time to ride with the girls to the airport!

           I finally hit Daniel and Ashlee’s street. My heart skipped a beat (OK, maybe more than one!) as I saw Ashley standing there. I took a deep breath as I got out of the car and walked toward her, trying to stay calm even though my heart continued to race. I will never forget seeing Ashley’s big smile and how amazing it felt to hug her that first time.

          The three of us got in the car, and I’m pretty sure Ashley and I both blushed after looking at each other. Within minutes, our conversation felt normal. I was taking in everything about Ashley – her long blonde hair, her smile, the smell of her perfume and the sound of voice. And oh, the sound of her voice was so good to hear after months of silence. 

           The four of us had a blast playing Cranium that afternoon (Daniel and I lost, thanks to Daniel not getting a clue about DNA! ;P) before going to Chili’s for lunch. We had a great time talking and hanging out, but I did notice that Ashley didn’t eat very much at lunch. I was worried that was a bad sign – was she not having a good time? 

          After lunch we went to a pet store and walked around outside, enjoying the sunny weather. Next was a trip to the theater to see the new Chronicles of Narnia movie. Ashley and I sat next to each other and I enjoyed making side comments with her throughout the movie. She was so much fun! At one point our elbows touched and my heart raced again. After I shifted my position a few minutes later and rested my forearm on the armrest with my hand hanging down, I noticed Ashley’s hand dangling down next to mine. Did she want me to hold her hand? I knew I wanted to hold hers – but I also knew that we needed to do things the right way and wait. It took all my willpower, but I told myself to be a man and wait. So, not a little unwillingly, I resisted the urge and tried to focus on the movie.

          So far, the day was a success. I felt like Ashley was not only the same Ashley I had emailed and Facebooked for those 9 months – but she was more amazing and more beautiful than I had thought. That night, after we ate pizza and played Scrabble, I saw Ashley in her glasses for the first time. She melted me. After Daniel took me to the Frazier’s where I would spend the night, I checked my email and waiting for me in my inbox was an email from Ashley. She said she had enjoyed seeing me and was looking forward to tomorrow! I went to bed happy and excited for the day ahead.

          We rode to church with Daniel and Ashlee that Sunday to hear Daniel preach. I enjoyed sitting next to Ashley and hearing her sing. The four of us had lunch at Cracker Barrel on our way to Greenville, where Ashley was to take pictures of Daniel and Ashlee and then be dropped off to stay with her grandparents. The 2 hour drive went by fast- Ashley and I had fun taking silly pictures of ourselves on her Mac, and she managed to endure hearing me and Daniel goofily singing along to a Keith Green CD.

          After we reached downtown Greenville and parked, we needed to find a bathroom for Ashlee. I pointed out a Starbucks and the Wells’ went in first, with Ashley and me following behind them. I don’t quite know why I did it, but I reached out and touched Ashley’s arm. I also happened to do it at the exact same time Daniel and Ashlee had quickly turned around since there wasn’t a bathroom there! My stomach felt like it had sunk to the floor, and I felt completely mortified! Should I have touched Ashley? Had I freaked her out? I tried to convince myself that I wouldn’t have felt that way if Daniel and Ashlee hadn’t seen me – but to no avail. I was sure I had made a big mistake.

         Nonetheless, I was smitten as I watched Ashley take pictures. Her creativity and enthusiasm bubbled out of her. There wasn’t much time for us to talk, though, in the busyness of it all, but I tried to show I cared by carrying around all of her camera equipment. As the afternoon went on, my heart sank. While I happily realized that Ashley and I’s friendship was real, that I really did want to pursue a relationship with her - we were about to be far apart again. As we walked to the General Store after we took pictures, Ashley asked me if I was ok. I said I was, but I really wasn’t – but I couldn’t tell her why I was feeling the way I did.

(Neither of us can believe how long Josh's hair is in this picture!)

         After getting sodas and snacks, the four of us talked on an open-air patio and took pictures together. But the time passed far too quickly, as did our walk to where we were meeting Ashley’s grandparents. I wanted to tell Ashley how much I enjoyed spending time with her this weekend, to find out what I needed to do next to pursue her – but there wasn’t the time or the opportunity for such a conversation. We were leaving with so much unsaid.

         When we reached Ashley’s grandparents’ car, I met several of Ashley’s cousins and her grandparents. I felt as if all life was drained out of me as I braced myself to tell her goodbye. Ashley hugged me, and I tried to be strong inside as I wrapped my arms around her. In a sweet voice that ever so slightly trailed off into my chest, she said “Josh!” as we hugged. I can’t remember if I said anything at all. All I could give her was that hug, and I hoped my arms could convey what I could not say with words. As Daniel, Ashlee, and I turned away to walk to our car, I never felt more alone than I did after saying goodbye to Ashley. Yet somehow I also knew with equal certainty that we were not saying goodbye for good – I had no idea how, but we would see each other again.